Today is a different day. I took a journey into myself, this time without a book in hand to refer to. I was on a long bus ride and when looking into myself again I felt the absence of my ‘self’. Self does not exist.
What is the self?
It is an illusive identity we create and hold on to. ‘I am good in sports’, ‘I can’t play the guitar’, ‘I am a mellow person’, ‘I find it difficult to meet new people.’ We are all these things and none of them too. We are everything and nothing. The Self is a composition of contradictory characteristics. The self is fluid – our characteristics change with situation, change with people, change with the extent to which we are triggered by our past, it changes with our fears. Due its ever-changing nature, the idea of ‘Self’ remains illusive and can never be an answer to our existence. No one is inherently anything. We create the ‘Self’ through our own identifications. And we create identifications because we think it helps us navigate through life. We think it helps us know ourselves better, it helps others to know us. Everyone has a self concept. We also have a concept of ourselves that we portray to others.
Often when we are strongly identified with our self, we remain closed to change. Our mind labels, make judgments, – and when that happens, immediately we see an ‘I’ that is different from others. The world, other people, nature, animals are seen as ‘the other’. The ‘I’ or the ‘Self’ (that is illusory, non-existent) feel it is separate from the rest. Yet, each one of us is a unit in an entire process that is the Universe. We are nature, we are this world, we are a unit of all that surrounds. We are made up of energy (vibrations from the atoms and molecules that make us). And we cannot differentiate our energy with that of the world. We are the world.
The world exist in so far as it exist through us (our perceptions, interactions, emotions). Yet without the world, we are na-da. Paradox.
When I felt my ‘Self’ did not exist, it was not the negative of presence. It was just total absence. Absolute. Momentary paradigmatic-al leap. If there is no me, there is only the ‘world’. I disassociated myself from my thoughts (the too much thinking) and all was left was a being in complete awareness and alert-ness of all that surrounded. In that state, I felt bliss, not just happiness. I felt compassion, not just sympathy. I felt empowered, not just in
control. And the bliss, the empowerment, the compassion were feelings that had little to do with my ‘self-identity’. They did not depend on my personal situation. Instead, it had everything to do with me merging with an omnipresence.
I feel inner peace and silence.
As this website generates more and more visitors, I find myself writing less about me. I repress because I do not want to open, for fear of allowing
people to see my true nature. I think I have a fear that people may think me erratic, a little crazy. But after a session of meditation as I travelled on this long bus journey, I disassociated with my Self, and suddenly there was this inner core which I call the Being that just kept pouring outwards. I feel like writing about God, about love, about truth, about presence, the importance of silence, about service to the people.
Who ‘I am’ is whatever I am in this moment. I want to honour this. I allow myself to be. I just be. Be.
Will you permit me this discretion?
On the bus I listened to audio books on the congo crisis and issues concerning humanitarian aid. I felt a little disturbed by the research I did after. But there is a lesson – to deal with disappointment with a lot of courage. I shall not complain. I shall only love.
There is a quote that inspires everything that I do.
I will show you how I struggle, not to change the world, but to love it.
I will write more about it another time.
I haven’t felt too enthusiastic about life for the past month but I am feeling a change in the weather.