Do I usually complain on-line?
No not, there isn’t much to. And I have two punching bags, across the world from me in England who I can give two missed calls to and expect immediate reply.
I am tired.
Now mama is back again in hospital. Yesterday at the doctors’, after feeling better she joked ‘This time you had a holiday at the hospital’ – because I was there all the time! And now memories of my grandmother’s death at Singapore General Hospital has been replaced by evening visits to my mother. I miss her. I hope she gets better.
In 2 days I leave Singapore again. I have not planned what my intention/purpose is for Chennai but that requires about 2 hours of research and another hour of deep thinking. Maybe Hinduism, visit to the Ashram, then soaking in Indian material – tailoring all the anarkali’s and lengas my inventive mind can think of. Ah, and pictures of Nadia in dance poses – this I wish to take.
Sophie’s World and The Bizzarely-brilliant
I started Sophie’s World again. The sender from the UN Batallion in Lebanon reminds me of a man I once knew – someone who emailed me at length and frequently sometimes posing rhetorical questions (rhetoric his lethal weapon to ridicule me, though sometimes they merely postulate) . It’s not just this sender’s ingenuity that invokes such similarity but his seriousness, his lack of presence, uninviting in some ways coupled with a very bizarre yet unparalleled brilliance. I saw a raaga singer a few nights ago, his voice (awaaz) was ambivalently soaring and seething; then notes devouring each other, rapid, hectic but yet strangely tranquil and inspiring. He was of that sort; that bizarre brilliance; one hand thrown about, the other slapping his thigh as if competing with the tabla. It was simply remarkable.
A more popular and contemporary example would be Michael Jackson’s erratic and passionate performance, stomping his foot, throwing his head back, jumping…screaming…
Ecstasy. TO have that passion at every moment of doing. That when it becomes your being, thats what you become – bizarrely-brilliant.
The Wind has been blowing and the rain makes my toes itch
The past few days the wind always blew in the right direction (check Dicken’s Bleak House!). Always. I remember listening to a Rahat Fateh Ali Khan- alike piece on my ipod. I had a skirt, I had a scarf, I had a lot of hair. It all blew together and the feeling was aesthetic-al. Fortunately for me the train took some time to come but had I more courage, I would have danced in people’s presence, not caring, like I did in Dubai, like I do everywhere else. Singapore just has different sensibilities. And people are easily petrified.
I cannot wait in December or January to dance in the rain with a willing human; preferably a man so I won’t have to deal with cries relating to hair and make-up armageddon.
Don’t you sometimes wish to disappear in a music, and in rain, in nature, – ultimate happiness is related to physiology (changing the states of your body) and dance is an incredible physiological access to such. I feel it. Hilaz tells me ‘You are most happy when you dance.’ Amir sinks into music, he enters a no-go-zone where he is consumed by each second. He knows what I speak of when I speak.
I learnt something about myself today. I know I am a learner and sometimes to learn I play complete ignorance, almost giving the impression of odd stupidity. My sister’s former boyfriend once asked ‘Why is it your sister is studying law but asks such stupid questions?’ Actually it was Socrates’ ‘art of discourse’. Philosophers call this the Socratic Irony. By playing ignorant, Socrates forced the people he met to use their common sense. Socrates could feign ignorance- or pretend to be dumber than he was. This enabled him to continually expose the weaknesses in people’s thinking. I am not sure if I do the latter. But I ask quite obvious questions – sometimes its the basic, or most simplest questions where you find the shades of gray in answers. Then you ask more questions regarding them.
I like to ask questions. So often with my travel, dance and social work background, I end up the story-teller at tables. I don’t always like that. I wrote once:
This man not of worldly affairs was an interesting start for me. For once, I had a conversation Afghanistan did not dominate. I was able to ask my rounds, questions about love and destiny, life and spirituality and energy.
Actually the very answers to simple questions illustrates the uniqueness of each individuals principles and values and belief system. Have you been changed by others through ordinary expressions?
Ultimate Happiness is Making a Difference
My brother Amir is my soulmate. And we can spend the entire nights talking about love, destiny, life, spirituality, God and energy. We have the same belief system in the most part though that system is expressed very differently, that we seem to carry different thinking. After discussing Abraham Hicks and the Law of Attraction over a number of nights, we underlined that yes everyone’s life purpose is linked to making a difference. The reward of teaching a child, mothering an infant, distributing food supplies, caring for a patient leads to a type of Happiness, we call The Ultimate Happiness, or which Abraham describes as being in ‘vibrational harmony with your source energy’, in other words in sync with your soul and your life purpose. Antony Robbins iterates this differently – he says gratitude, contentment with yourself, with your life and always expressing that gratitude which will eventually lead you to believing – I want to give back, I want to pay it forward. I want to make a difference. Antony Robbins is very keen on this; making a difference. What truly uplifts Amir and makes him feel his life is purposeful is his passion for teaching his kids. I see little difference from the result (happiness) of his actions and that of mine. Cynical people ask ‘Why do you want to make a difference. What is in it for you?’ – I think I am now confident enough to answer ‘It’s every life’s purpose. It’s ultimate happiness.’
I wish Amir and I recorded our conversation – it was by far one of the most meaningful conversations I’ve had in 2009. It’s very typical of Amir and I, and it normally stretches into the late night/early morning. I am a woman of words – they inspire me, they put me off, they piss me bad, they uplift me, they arouse me, they make me mad, they..
Learning through personal insight
I return to Sophie. This excerpt reminded me of Mr Joe – an incredible teacher who did exactly this: he made me learn from myself by first posing questions that necessitated answers through personal reasoning and insight.
The next sentence was about true insight coming from within. But didn’t all knowledge come into people’s heads from the outside? On the other hand, Sophie could remember situations when her mother or the teachers at school had tried to teach her something that she hadn’t been receptive to. And whenever she had really learned something, it was when she had somehow contributed it to herself.
And at this last thought, I let Amir Khan accompany me whilst my mother go for drips, and whilst the world continues to turn inadvertently, whilst the wise man remains silent, the lover lost, and the English winter glooming in gray.
Kiss from a rose