Yesterday night I started dancing, at first familiarizing myself with stomach muscles and attempting to have some control over them so my body would snake in a desired direction. It is a painful but yet beautiful process; I feel like I am understanding my body more. There are muscles I have that never have been discovered. I thought I would wake up sore this morning, but my body feels it can manipulate me again, one more time, today, this time, now…..
Oh my heart….what is to say of it?
Eventually I found my body moving in such erratic ways, possibly bordering on unpleasantness, but I felt it was honest. There are parts of me, parts of my life that are obscure, that are erratic, crazy, wild, ugly and perhaps never is a time better than this to explore it. Can I choose to keep my heart in the dark so that this exploration is possible? Shall I write about it this time? I know once my Master wrote for my portfolio ‘”Her innovative devices and word choices are deliberately crafted to be inaccessible to the ordinary reader” —- shall I give access now? Maybe I am brave enough to.
Its hard to say how it looks. I think I am disjointing my chest from my shoulders, my upper torso from my lower torso, my hips from my pelvis, ….. and after 3 hours I could begin to see my diaphragm disjointing and the end of my rib cage slightly visible. It isn’t as grotesque as it sounds. But it isn’t as good as it sounds either. I tried this many times sporadically over the years but I was more concentrated on being fluid, not jerky, not hard, not abusive – but there is something beautiful about what I did last night: it was honest